Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
