We won't sleep together?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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