Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Randomize
