Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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