yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
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i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
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Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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