Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
