I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
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You left your underwear on the fireplace
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
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Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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