Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
They took my balls.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
