So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
