I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
