i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Randomize
