there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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