I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
where are you?
Hypothermia
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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