i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I think I sprained my soul last night
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
