come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
