Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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