Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
