my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
