Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He shit in the fireplace
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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