Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
