lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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