someone threw a dead crab at me
I just made out with a guy for $7.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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