u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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