i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
