sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
