i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
