Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
