Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
