Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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