at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
please don't ironically join a cult
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