I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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