in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
