Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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