she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
