After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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