I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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