When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
bring money and cleavage
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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