$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
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Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
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I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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