Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
