I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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