I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
