Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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