I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I would ride that face into the sunset
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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