Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
