It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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