3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
