Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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