sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
