i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
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Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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