Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Dignity is for republicans.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
