I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
