wrigley field is MILF paradise
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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