OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
