You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
